Holi not so Holy !

Whether we talk about ‘Rang Barse’ or ‘Hymn For the Weekend’, the one festival which the  entire Indian population celebrates with loads of love and colours is, but of course, Holi.

Yeah, most of you might be able to predict as to what will follow, but I am not going to talk about Hinduism and distribute knowledge about the religious views and blah blah blah….

The significance of Holi was to celebrate the auspicious powers of a fire proof cloak which saved a kid from his ‘maleficent’ aunt. Funny right? How that b**ch sat in the fire with the kid to set him on fire and blew up into flames herself!

Airplane tickets go on a roll, people travel from all around the world to meet up with their relatives to do what? Basically get unrecognisable for a few weeks. Gosh! Did that colour come off your face and nails already?

Presentations…Thank God I have an Id card.

No matter how important a presentation you have, those shades of pink, green and red just don’t seem to leave your skin. Forget teachers and friends, even your relatives who have been seeing you since the day you were born are appalled by your ‘Pop up art’ look.

No matter how important presentation, interview or event you have the next day, we all have that one drunk or notorious friend who gets permanent colours and rubs them like a face pack all over your face.

Presentations? Forget face, what am I wearing?

So you’re telling me that you go to shop expensive kurtas and anarkalis to get them dirty? Man or woman how rich are you? I just blew my laptop display can you pass me on some dollar bills?  Each and every single individual standing in the crowd has these multi coloured t-shirts by the end of the festival and you are damn right, can’t recognise what brand they belong to. A ganji from Sarojini nagar by the end is as good as a white henley from Zara, that is, DESTROYED.

Kurtas swinging in the air aren’t as good as those booties near the DJ!

From kids to teens to adults no one has the booty which can bump those ladies off. Oh yeah! Forget ‘London Thumakda’, that booty is the whole country swinging on the DJ floor. Usually you would spot these aunties brisk walking and gossiping about the kids in the neighbourhood. They would pass the entire year sun bathing in salwars and workout shoes. But when their jam comes you better back off because they saved all that sass for this day. Let’s agree on this one we all have that one aunty in our society, colony or social circle who just rocks better than the speakers on ‘Aunty Ji’, ‘London Thumakda’ or any other Punjabi song.

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Who doesn’t hog after this cardio hip-hop workout?

From Indian delicacies to continental to Italian you have it all. No, I’m not talking about what they serve but rather what finally goes in your intestines. This is one day where you have 60 minutes of your life where no body is going to judge you for what you eat or how you eat because they can’t recognise you. So what do we do? “Paisa Vasool” for all the gulaal you got, and all the formalities you did and all the stress you took to get to the party. You compensate by hogging on all the paani puris and dahi bhel and aloo tikki.

Rum.Rum.Rum. Aur whisky!

Bhaang (Hemp), Vodka, Black label: you name it and the bottle goes empty. Have you tried those kulfis? Crazy. You don’t realise how potentially high you could get, till when the next day people upload videos of you chasing dogs and lying like a corpse on the grass. DO NOT TAKE A BATH AFTER THE KULFI ! I spent two hours bathing and the loofah kept slipping out of my hands because I had chemical reactions between vodka and hemp going on inside my body. But Holi is incomplete without that “bhang waali lassi”.

No matter what you say, Holi is a festival which brings friends and family together. Yes many of us choose not to play for 60 minutes and remain pink for the next 6 weeks but we all enjoy this festival in our own ways. And each way is fun and cute. We might not remember why it’s celebrated but we sure do remember the playlist the DJ played which is basically ‘Honey singh’ , ‘Baadshah’ and any other punjabi song.

Water balloons, Gulaal, bhaang, chaat, aunties shaking that a**, BURA NA MAANO HOLI HAI !

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